What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 02:02
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why is there a housing crisis in Europe?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I write beautiful poetry .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She found it foreign!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Especially a lifetime of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were not on the streets..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I have no regrets .
But, we were locked up after school.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He knew the spot.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im still living with it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She loved him until the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
So, i spoilt her more .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ive learnt so much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He resisted the act ,that day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was 9 years of age.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I said to her
When she asked me how she looked .
It was going to be , some day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was in good health!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it wasn’t much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We all went to grammer schools
As i do to all so called friends.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
What did i know ?
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
This is soul school!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Put me off passion for life!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One cannot live in the past .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Would this be the day?
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.